


Lick It (It's Delicious)

by zerotransfat



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: But you have to admit it makes sense, Crack, For licking delicious shield, Gen, Hulk is not sorry, Humor, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Phil is aroused by Clint licking the shield, Random Alien - Freeform, Team Bonding, Tony resolves to involve the shield in the bedroom, Truth or Dare, i mean it's the two things guaranteed to turn him on, in the very very near future, it's a skrull, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-09 19:04:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3260978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zerotransfat/pseuds/zerotransfat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Utter crack. Since Vibranium tastes like coconut, the logical conclusion is that Steve's shield tastes like coconut too.</p><p>Or: that one fic where people keep licking the shield.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lick It (It's Delicious)

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, you guys, I have no idea where this came from. I think I was rewatching IM2 and there was that bit when Tony plugs the vibranium into his arc reactor and says it tastes like coconut so my brain went off on a tangent and thought:"hey wait a minute what else is made out of vibranium?" This piece of crack was born.

It was a beautiful, peaceful Thursday morning. Well, for the given value of "morning", anyway.

That was until giant mantises (mantii? mantae?) attacked New York, wrecking havoc in Central Park.

All the Avengers were in a foul mood that fine morning when the call to assemble forced them to roll out of beds, cots, vents, or other relatively flat and soft horizontal surface. Even Steve, who already usually got up at the ass-crack of dawn anyway, did not appreciate the wake-up call three hours early. Tony was bleary-eyed, Clint was swearing up an impressive storm, Natasha's face promised Death By Thighs if anything even _looked_ at her wrong, and Thor looked like he was still half asleep.

Bruce had brilliant green eyes the entire briefing.

He instantly transformed into the Hulk as soon as he set foot on the grass.

It was in the heat of battle when what Clint would forever dub afterwards as That First Time happened.

Steve had thrown the shield, making it take out three mantises, and rebound off a tree. The Hulk then caught it. _With his teeth._

Tony resisted the urge to whistle for a second, then whistled through the comms anyway. "Damn, Hulk. Some mad frisbee skills you've got there."

The Hulk did not reply for a second. He continued holding the shield with his mouth. An expression of puzzlement, the expression of a child who has discovered something not exactly unpleasant, but unexpected, surfaced on that usually angry face. Hulk then extracted the shield from his mouth, now covered in saliva.

"Um, Hulk," Steve managed to get out. "Did you happen to... _lick_...my shield?"

"HULK DID." Hulk didn't look ashamed at all.  "HULK NOT SORRY. SHIELD IS DELICIOUS."

And since it was the Hulk, none of them thought it prudent to ask.

 

* * *

 

 

The Avengers were sitting on the floor in a loose circle, engaged in a teambuilding exercise that Tony was sure was really some kind of punishment from hell. Namely, playing Truth or Dare.

They'd already been up to some really hinky shit already; Natasha admitted, to the surprise of absolutely no one, that she had killed men with her thighs alone before, Thor recounted a really strange incident involving Sif, a bear, and a six-legged goat, and Bruce astounded them all with his knowledge of lop-eared rabbits.

"Okay, Clint, truth or dare?" Tony said as he leaned back on the couch.

"You know what, I'm going to man up. Dare me, Tony. Show me what you've got." Clint said, his chest puffing up.

"I dare you...to lick Captain America's shield."

"Oooooo," the rest of them said at the exact same time. Steve obligingly held out his shield to Clint, who took it. "I'm actually disappointed in you, Tony. That is a really tame dare, compared to what I've had to lick through the years."

"Well, that's nothing I didn't know," Tony leered. "Just lick the national relic, will you?"

Steve grinned. "Just don't too hard about where it's been."

"That's what _he_ said!" Clint crowed, and licked the shield.

He blinked, and then licked it again, his eyes suddenly going half-mast and guided intensely at Coulson. "Tastes kinda good, actually. Coconut."

Phil looked halfway aroused and traumatized. After all, his boyfriend was licking one of the holy relics of his hero-worship in a _very_ suggestive manner. Tony silently resolved to try that with Steve sometime in the very near future. This evening, most certainly.

 

* * *

 

 

"We got the intel." Natasha's voice on the comm was calm, almost conversational.

"Let's get out of here, we're wheels up in five." Coulson said, packing the files and tablets with practiced efficency. "Check in. Hawkeye?"

"On my way. ETA two minutes."

"Widow?"

"Three minutes." The sound of a pained grunt, male, was suddenly cut off. "Make that one and a half."

"Iron Man?"

"Yes, I'm coming! Jeez Agent, you're such a slave driver. By the by, has anyone seen Cap? I haven't seen him in a bit."

And that was when two Captain Americas burst into the room, struggling.

 

* * *

 

 

"You guys! It's me! The other one's a shapeshifter!" Steve yelled.

"Wait! Don't listen to him!" Steve Rogers, the carbon copy of him, complete with costume and shield, shouted. There was absolutely no difference in physical appearance between the two Steves. " _I'm_ Steve Rogers!"

"Well, shit." Clint said as all of them stood, tense and ready in case any of the Steves attacked. "Now how do we tell?"

"One way to find out," Tony said, and leaned over to lick one of the shields up the middle of the white star in one long wet stripe.

All the rest of them stared at him, the two Steve's included. Tony smacked his lips in response, face contemplative.

"Tastes like metal." Tony said. The Steve holding the unlicked shield widened his eyes subtly.

The Steve holding the licked shield frowned. "Isn't it supposed to taste like metal?"

"Oh, yes it should, Captain my Captain. Just checking. You know those sci-fi movies, the shapeshifters alway get something wrong." Tony shrugged, and in the same motion brought his palm up and blasted the imposter in the face.

As soon as he hit the ground, the fake started to shrink, his skin turning green and his face changing. Before long they had an smoking alien on the floor, and not in the fun way.

"Huh." Natasha said. "That's one way to tell them apart."

Coulson pinched the bridge of his nose. "God help me, Fury has got to be used to the ridiculous reports by now. This can't possibly get any weirder. I can see it now, _The hostile was identified  by Stark licking his shield._ Even I can't make that not sound sexual in any way."

"But hey! At least you'll win the yearly pool for weirdest reports." Clint said.

Steve couldn't help but bury his face into his hands.

At the very least he got to vent his frustrations upon the large group of invading aliens, so he felt borderline okay at the end of the evening.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where I get my really messed up fic ideas. I finished this while being sleep deprived, so please be nice!


End file.
